A Big Life Step Day

Two days ago, I leaped. I leaped big time.
First of all, while returning home from picking up my son from VBS, I drove by the Nissan dealership. I saw a nice looking truck that caught my eye. So, I turned around and drove into the parking lot. The purpose was to find out what it was.
SIDE NOTE: I have been looking for a few months now. My Toyota Tacoma I had was too small for us. The Dodge Grand Caravan was too much for us. I wanted something in the middle .. a four door smaller truck.
I found out the truck was a Nissan Frontier, crew cab (4 doors). Took it for a test drive. Son loved it instantly, naturally. I learned all it’s features and “modern updates” it had. After allowing the young man to give his monologue, I realized this truck met all the criteria I had formulated in my head over the past months. It even had some extra things I had no clue were included in vehicles these days. I suppose I need to get out more.
As I sat there, I was thinking about not having my wife there with me to discuss it. I already had in my mind what I needed/wanted. Most of what the guy said was babbling to me.
The hardest part of the whole thing was not deciding if it was the right thing to do or not. The hardest part was letting go of a piece of history. While the guy was talking, my mind replayed the day we bought the van, and why. I remembered countless trips. My wife drove the van mostly.
Summing up, I traded the van for the truck.

Well, later that day, after much soul searching, I posed something on Facebook.

3 Things ….
First, I want to be the teacher AND father my son needs me to be.
Second, I want to tell the world about doTERRA Essential oils, their benefits and how they have improved our lives.
Thirdly, I want to pursue my love of photography, professionally.
There, I stated it .. on Facebook no less.
I have a mission, a goal, a dream, and a purpose …
Now, I need support. I need help. I do NOT need critics .. I have more than enough of them right now. I need real friends who TRULY want to help and want to be part of our lives.
My faith in people is really shot right now. My faith in God is what gets me up each day. My love of/for my son is what keeps me going throughout the day.
Look up there at the 3 things I listed. They are not exclusive. They are inclusive. They are me. All or none.

Now, to move forward…

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The Start Of Something New

I just ordered the P90X3 night before last. I was flipping the channels and saw the infomercial. I have some friends who have used previous work outs from BeachBody. They all praised the programs.
It has been a rough year for me. Lots of death in my life. May 18, 2014 started it with the death of a dear friend who was like a brother to me. Lost a grandmother to illness, 5 friends to cancer, and my wife of 21.5 years to what may have been from a tick bite.
I have let myself go in many ways this past year. I still have my (now 11) son to take care of. I have to get my act together for him, and for myself. I used to be so active in my younger years. I rode my bike last week a couple miles and thought I was going to die. I am sooo out of shape.
What are my fitness goals? Good question. I know I need to get back on track of taking care of myself. A recent medical check out with blood work ups revealed that I am in acceptable ranges. Looking in the mirror, I am not in MY acceptable range.
Soooo, Here goes the start of something new.

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A Battle Fought With Fire Deep Inside

Sunday, April 12, 2015 at 4:01pm Central Time, I received expected and numbing news. It was an email from Daddy B letting me know that Mr B had gone to sleep for the last time. His battle with cancer ended as he feel asleep in his husband’s arms, Mr F. He went peacefully.

I live thousands of miles from them all. In the moments I read the eMail message, I felt the distance. I wanted to hug them .. any of them .. all of them. At the same time, I felt the closeness. It was a personal email sent to me at the request of Mr B.

I have been told that the pain of lose does not go away, you just learn to “live with it”. Right now, I am not liking that idea.

This blog was hacked and destroyed over a year ago. How ironic it is looking back at my first post after I rebuilt the blog site … posted March 31, 2014

 “It was time for a change anyway…”

A Change is an understatement for this past year.

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Feeling Numb & Moving Forward

Monday, January 26, I received an email from a friend who lives in the UK, “Daddy B” as I will call him.

Daddy B” lost his wife several years ago. His son “Mr B” was 10 years old at the time. Mr B is now in his late 20’s. The B’s are from the American South. They left the states for the UK after some of his “friends” literally tried to hang him in his teens (Mr B that is). I will not go any deeper into that story.

Mr B was an Olympic hopeful when, in 2010 he was diagnosed with cancer. I “met” Mr B and his partner about that time. Mr B’s partner, “Mr F” had a rough childhood. There were countless unspeakable things he endured as a child.

Mr B & Mr F have 6 children now. They have adopted some wonderful children. Mr F is a talented chef who is working to become a mid-wife. I have joked with him on occasion .. reminding him when he is tired .. not to deliver the turkey and stuff the .. well you get the idea.

Through meeting these guys, I have come to know an insanely gifted author friend of theirs … “Mrs A“. She is a hoot to listen to. Those Britt’s sound funny. Not to mention the blunt humor they all seem to have. No wonder I like them.

At any rate…

This past Monday (1/26), I received an email from Daddy B. Reminding me that Mr B’s cancer had returned with a vengeance just before Christmas. The rest of the email left me feeling numb. The doctors had confessed there was nothing more they could do. He had only a short time left to live. Mr B decided there was no need to continue treatments that were not helping anyway. He decided that he and Mr F were going on a road trip. He wanted them to go do the things they had hoped to do before they died… their “bucket list”.

They are 6 hours ahead of me in time. They have packed up the camper today and will be heading out in the morning. The children are being cared for by the grand dads and Mrs A. Mr B wants to spend his remaining days with his partner. He does not want his children, family and friends to see him and worry or fret over him as he draws closer to his end. Once the two set out on their final journey together, it is the last time his family will see him.

Part of me thinks about the children. How they must be feeling. A big part of me is thinking about Daddy B. Having just losing my wife 3 months ago and having a 10 year old son, I have a similar connection with Daddy B. I can not imagine the horrible pain of knowing he is loosing his son. Part of me is envious of Mr B and Mr F .. to be able to spend these last days together as they are planning to do. To have time to … to … (sighs) .. to have time to properly “settle” things. Mr B has endured tremendous pain over the past few years. He has chosen to “meet the reaper” on his terms, as he has expressed.

I have always had the problem of feeling as if all the worlds problems were my responsibility to fix. Not out of arrogance, but out of genuine concern to help. However, at the tender age of 44, I am finally learning that my fretting over things far beyond my reach will do no good for anyone. It does not mean I care any less for anyone. It does not mean I am not “dealing” with things in a healthy manor. It means I am finally taking the advice of 2 wise men from my high school days.

The motto which played over and over in my head like a broken record during the final hours of my wife’s battle was this “Let go and Let God“. It is our human nature to take control. It is our nature to attempt what we have no chance of achieving on our own. It is one thing to aspire to achieve great things, it is yet another to waste resources on a task that was never ours to involve ourselves with.

A Statement

I have been told by more than one person that I am handling things “too well.”

My response was, “What do you expect me to do? curl up in a ball in the corner and cry .. hide from the world? I have son to take care of. Life goes on.”

I owe NO ONE any explanation for what goes on.

For all of the people who feel they know better how I should be living my life, I am praying for you. I pray that none of you every have to face the things I am having to face right now. I pray you never have to know how it feels.

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