Category Archives: Uncategorized

A Battle Fought With Fire Deep Inside

Sunday, April 12, 2015 at 4:01pm Central Time, I received expected and numbing news. It was an email from Daddy B letting me know that Mr B had gone to sleep for the last time. His battle with cancer ended as he feel asleep in his husband’s arms, Mr F. He went peacefully.

I live thousands of miles from them all. In the moments I read the eMail message, I felt the distance. I wanted to hug them .. any of them .. all of them. At the same time, I felt the closeness. It was a personal email sent to me at the request of Mr B.

I have been told that the pain of lose does not go away, you just learn to “live with it”. Right now, I am not liking that idea.

This blog was hacked and destroyed over a year ago. How ironic it is looking back at my first post after I rebuilt the blog site … posted March 31, 2014

 “It was time for a change anyway…”

A Change is an understatement for this past year.

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Feeling Numb & Moving Forward

Monday, January 26, I received an email from a friend who lives in the UK, “Daddy B” as I will call him.

Daddy B” lost his wife several years ago. His son “Mr B” was 10 years old at the time. Mr B is now in his late 20’s. The B’s are from the American South. They left the states for the UK after some of his “friends” literally tried to hang him in his teens (Mr B that is). I will not go any deeper into that story.

Mr B was an Olympic hopeful when, in 2010 he was diagnosed with cancer. I “met” Mr B and his partner about that time. Mr B’s partner, “Mr F” had a rough childhood. There were countless unspeakable things he endured as a child.

Mr B & Mr F have 6 children now. They have adopted some wonderful children. Mr F is a talented chef who is working to become a mid-wife. I have joked with him on occasion .. reminding him when he is tired .. not to deliver the turkey and stuff the .. well you get the idea.

Through meeting these guys, I have come to know an insanely gifted author friend of theirs … “Mrs A“. She is a hoot to listen to. Those Britt’s sound funny. Not to mention the blunt humor they all seem to have. No wonder I like them.

At any rate…

This past Monday (1/26), I received an email from Daddy B. Reminding me that Mr B’s cancer had returned with a vengeance just before Christmas. The rest of the email left me feeling numb. The doctors had confessed there was nothing more they could do. He had only a short time left to live. Mr B decided there was no need to continue treatments that were not helping anyway. He decided that he and Mr F were going on a road trip. He wanted them to go do the things they had hoped to do before they died… their “bucket list”.

They are 6 hours ahead of me in time. They have packed up the camper today and will be heading out in the morning. The children are being cared for by the grand dads and Mrs A. Mr B wants to spend his remaining days with his partner. He does not want his children, family and friends to see him and worry or fret over him as he draws closer to his end. Once the two set out on their final journey together, it is the last time his family will see him.

Part of me thinks about the children. How they must be feeling. A big part of me is thinking about Daddy B. Having just losing my wife 3 months ago and having a 10 year old son, I have a similar connection with Daddy B. I can not imagine the horrible pain of knowing he is loosing his son. Part of me is envious of Mr B and Mr F .. to be able to spend these last days together as they are planning to do. To have time to … to … (sighs) .. to have time to properly “settle” things. Mr B has endured tremendous pain over the past few years. He has chosen to “meet the reaper” on his terms, as he has expressed.

I have always had the problem of feeling as if all the worlds problems were my responsibility to fix. Not out of arrogance, but out of genuine concern to help. However, at the tender age of 44, I am finally learning that my fretting over things far beyond my reach will do no good for anyone. It does not mean I care any less for anyone. It does not mean I am not “dealing” with things in a healthy manor. It means I am finally taking the advice of 2 wise men from my high school days.

The motto which played over and over in my head like a broken record during the final hours of my wife’s battle was this “Let go and Let God“. It is our human nature to take control. It is our nature to attempt what we have no chance of achieving on our own. It is one thing to aspire to achieve great things, it is yet another to waste resources on a task that was never ours to involve ourselves with.

A Statement

I have been told by more than one person that I am handling things “too well.”

My response was, “What do you expect me to do? curl up in a ball in the corner and cry .. hide from the world? I have son to take care of. Life goes on.”

I owe NO ONE any explanation for what goes on.

For all of the people who feel they know better how I should be living my life, I am praying for you. I pray that none of you every have to face the things I am having to face right now. I pray you never have to know how it feels.

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Catching Up – Blog Reboot

For a decade, I had a blog … well, more than one actually. However, the “main” blog had been around as I ventured into other areas. Sometime in January of 2014, my blogs were hacked. Some extremely misguided person with too much time on their hands found a way to destroy all I had done for the past decade.

I was able to salvage the content of my other blogs. Sadly, the content of my “main” blog was lost. It was aggravating, to say the least. It took hours to try to repair what had been done.

On March 31, 2014 I turned on the restarted blog: Random Entries. I chose an entirely new look for the entirely new blog. I did, however, choose to keep the same name for the blog. As many who know me, I seem to have “random” ideas to pop into my head.

On May 18, 2014 I received painful news. A dear friend of mine who was like a brother was found dead by his sister that morning. He had apparently had a heart attack the evening before in his chair. You see, I knew his routine. When I heard where he was found, I deduced when it happened.

At any rate, it was hard to handle. He lived in Connecticut. I had no way to go to the service. Add to that, the guilt I was feeling for not calling him the previous 3 weeks. I kept “being busy”. It bothered me greatly. I was almost instantly in a state of depression.

Add to that, a few weeks later, my Grannie (my father’s step mother) passed away. I was not particularly close to her. We did, however go to support my father. Mind you, my family was in Lansing, Michigan. I live in Jackson, Tennessee. It is a 12 hour drive. Yes, drive.

Thursday, June 5, 2014, I and my wife and 10 year old son were driving to Michigan for the funeral. By the way, this was also our 21st wedding anniversary. What a way to celebrate.

Short summary of the time in Michigan, certain family members could not wait even a few hours after the funeral to start causing trouble. Don’t we all have those in our families? This whole ordeal helped my parents decide to return to Tennessee .. to the town I had grown up in from age 10 on: Gleason, Tennessee.

Over the course of the summer, several people, both family and friends and family of friends died. I had termed it “the season of death”. I had often said that I wish the season would end.

My parents found a place and moved back to Tennessee. They moved back to Gleason. This was mid September. They moved the week after our son was baptized. Yes, our amazing 10 year old wonder gave his life to the Lord.

Fast forward to Tuesday, October 14. My wife, who was both homeschooling our son and an other little girl, also spent much of her day working at a store. ( I will expand on the store some other time.) My wife came home that day not feeling well. She had only lead half a day’s worth of schooling with the kids. That evening, after I had gotten home and cleaned up from the days work, we went out to eat and then to the store. I remember she stayed in the van because she was not feeling well.

Over the course of the week, she got worse and then better. It was as if she had flu like symptoms. These symptoms were very similar to those she experienced from time to time as a result of the disease she had. She had a very aggressive auto-immune disease that was genetically passed down from her father, with absolutely no known cure. We had no reason to think it was anything different this time.

However, it was most certainly different this time.

Friday, October 17, 2015, 3:00pm, I receive a call from a friend who tells me she is at my house with my wife… that my wife is very sick… that an ambulance has been called and they are taking her to the hospital. Me thinking it was our friend over reacting, I finished the task I was doing (about 20 more minutes worth). I headed back to Jackson. (I was working over an hour away from home.) I went home and changed clothes and cleaned up. Then, I went on to the hospital. Still not thinking it was sever.

I saw the fear in the faces of the friends in the waiting room as I was ushered back to be with my wife. I was starting to think maybe it was more than I had thought it was.

I am thankful for small mercies. I am so glad my dear wife was not looking toward the door of the room when I walked in. She would have seen the shock on my face. I was horrified. I did not recognize her. I quickly gathered myself and entered the room.

SIDE NOTE
Regarding our son, the 10 year old.. You see, that previous Sunday, our son, who had not attended the RAs program on Wednesday night in about 2 years, decided he once again, wanted to be involved. This weekend, they were to go to RA camp. They were to leave early Saturday morning. Since I was out of town working at the time my wife was taking to the hospital, the children’s director (and friend) came and got our son. Her son, same age as our son, was also going to the camp. So, our son would spend the night with them and go on to camp.

RESUMING
My beautiful wife was very ill. Her skin was discolored. She looked as if she had been in a battle with a great army all on her own. (I had no idea just how true that was at the time.) I will not go into details of what transpired over the next 29 hours. I will say this, for those who do not know the outcome, my dear wife is now in Heaven.

Over the course of those 29 hours, we were in 2 hospitals, saw numerous doctors, there were countless tests run, even a surgery performed. I was watching my wife rapidly fade away and I could do nothing to stop it.

I would receive word from doctors either directly face to face or by phone call from somewhere else in the building. I would then, repeat/relay those words to the family and friends who had gathered for support. To hear the constant flow of horrific news is one thing. To then, have to “verbally” convey those very same words to others .. to hear those very words coming out of your own mouth, is surreal.

Things happened so fast, by the time my son was brought to the hospital, my wife had been dead over an hour. I walked with him (and our friend who brought him) from the ER to the cafeteria. I directed our friend to the waiting room. I then sat down and talked with our son. He was excited to tell me about his day at camp. My heart wanted to scream.

I had to tell our son, that mommie was not waking up. Mommie was gone. Mommie was dead.

Hearing the words is one thing. Saying those words and hearing myself say them is another thing. Hearing myself tell our son those very words and seeing him fall apart .. well .. there are no words.

It has been 3 months now. For weeks, I knew she was coming home. This was just a bad dream. Surreal was not even close to describing how it all felt. I have, for the most part, gotten past the feeling of expecting to wake up from a bad dream.

Our son had his 11th birthday in November. He had a great party with family and friends. With the generosity of many, he had a party at the roller skating rink. He also had wonderful birthday cupcakes from an incredible local bakery. (Thank you HaliHannigan’s.)

When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he simply said, “Mommie.”

We are moving forward together trying to figure out the “new normal”. I have heard the phrase many times in my life … “Time heals all wounds.” … This is a big one.

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